Congratulations
on your pregnancy or new baby! You are about to embark on an exhilarating,
exhausting, life-altering journey that you are totally and completely
unprepared for!
When our
first child was born almost four years ago, I was nervous, but confident – perhaps
even a tad cocky. I’d given fatherhood some thought, I’d taken some mental
notes as a kid and I’d observed some of our friends with their own children. As
we neared our delivery date, I remember thinking to myself, “OK Leo. You’ve got
this.”
Trust me,
you don’t ‘got this.’ Nobody does. Even the most organized, collected parents
are making it up as they go. Don’t believe anybody who tells you otherwise.
As a
courtesy to all you new parents – especially the dads – I’m going to share a
few honest lessons I wish somebody had shared with me four years ago.
Accept that sooner or later, you will get
poop on your hands
So many
young dads say things like, ‘I will do everything but change diapers. I can’t
handle that stuff.’ Wrong, chief. You will change diapers – a lot of them. And
you will see things you cannot unsee. At some point, you will know what it’s
like to have human feces on your hands, or hot vomit on your shoulder, or urine
on your face. I’m sorry. I know this is disgusting, but you need to hear it now
so you can begin accept that this part of parenting simply cannot be avoided.
Your home will never be clean again
During your
child’s first birthday party, you will receive a semi truck load of gifts. From
this point forward, your house will never be clean again. In addition to the
disgusting food messes your toddler will stash in every piece of furniture, you
will be forever tripping over toys, books and laundry. My mom used to have a
sign in her kitchen that said, “Cleaning the house when children are growing is
like shovelling snow while it’s still snowing.’ In truth, it’s much worse.
Your sanity will be pushed to the limit
You’ve had a
long day at work. You’re physically and mentally exhausted and ready to hit the
couch and watch your favourite TV show. Instead, you’ll be forced to endure
re-runs of Jake and the Neverland Pirates
while small, overly aggressive humans jump on your groin, sit on your head and
scream at each other for no apparent reason. Should you dare to try and enjoy a
snack, you will be harassed relentlessly until you either hand over your treat
or provide an offering of equal or greater value.
Your values will change
Remember
when the most important decisions you had to make were all about haircuts,
clothes, or Friday night plans? Those days are long gone my friend. Now, you’ll
be concerning yourself with meal planning, weird rashes, diaper prices and the
pace of your child’s development. You’ll also find yourself more emotionally
susceptible to sad news stories about family-related issues. You’ll begin to
care less about your social life and more about what’s happening at home. Soon,
Friday nights are less about hanging out with friends and more about building
couch-cushion forts and watching Despicable
Me with a giant bucket of popcorn.
You discover a new version of yourself
To this
point, it’s been pretty much all about you. Now, your life is committed to
caring and providing for another human being on a permanent basis. You’ll get
up with them in the middle of the night when they cry, then get up and go to
work totally exhausted. You’ll spend your weekends doing what they like and
going to places that previously seem lame and uninteresting. The surprising
thing is, you’ll enjoy it all. These days, I find myself getting pumped about
weird stuff, like going to the waterslides, simply because I love watching my
boys having a blast. You’ll learn what it’s like to come home from work and
have someone squeal with excitement at the very sight of you, and you’ll feel
your heart ache a little when you see how quickly they grow up.
I’ve been a
father for almost four years now, and I’m still playing catch up, but if I
could offer one key piece of advice to new parents, I’d tell them not to worry
so much about being ‘cool parents’ that have it all together. Always do what’s
best for your family. Commit to the whole parenting experience, even the dorky parts.
Your old life is over; let it go, because a new, wildly different one is about
to begin.
Leo is a former Advocate editor.
Contact him by email at newsdeadline@gmail.com or
follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/LeoPare
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